It wasn’t until I finally arrived in Turks & Caicos that I realized how much I needed a drastic change. Or how desperate I was to feel grounded, centered and supported again. I guess it’s hard to notice what you really need when you never take the time to be still and allow your emotions to rise to the surface and be felt. Instead, my reckless and fast paced schedule numbed me from my fears and perceived failures. It made me feel purposeful and productive but robbed me of a deeper connection to myself that would’ve warned me that I was losing touch with my passions and seeking fulfillment in all the wrong places. I didn't realize I'd grown apathetic and complacent in survival-mode. All I was aware of was that, for the second time in my life, I was in the midst of a career crisis with nowhere to live and no one to love. And nightly sedatives of red wine, popcorn and dark chocolate weren’t enough take the edge off anymore. My mind was restless and my body ached from masking the symptoms rather than addressing the underlying issues. Insomnia was inevitable, giving me plenty of time to ruminate on my frustrations but without daring to examine their cause. I'd hit another rock bottom. Shit!
Unbeknownst to me at the time, the Universe had staged an intervention on Facebook, much like it did in 2008 when it used a friend’s MySpace post to lure my desperate spirit back to NYC with the possibility of performing in another Off-Broadway show. It worked! After my whole world in Los Angeles had collapsed, NYC welcomed me back without judgement or condescending “I told you so’s!”. My soul basked in its familiarity and all the positive memories of my pre-marital life comforted my freshly broken heart. My tribe of friends became the support system I needed and served as a beautiful reflection of who I truly am. And performing (GAH, to perform again!) reminded me of the importance of following my passions, daring to be vulnerable and expressing myself without fear or shame. And just as important, it reminded me of what makes me come alive and the power that comes from dwelling in that space.
Six years later I was in need of yet another intervention. This was a bit different though. This time, a friend’s Facebook post offered the possibility of a two-year contract as the Pilates/Fitness Instructor at an exclusive resort on a private island in Turks & Caicos. For someone who considers performing her greatest passion, this seemed far less appealing than a new show in NYC. Besides, I was decidedly a die-hard New Yorker. Not to mention the fact that I had a growing massage therapy practice and was part of an amazing team of teachers at a thriving Pilates studio in Tribeca. And even though I was flailing and gasping for a love connection in NY’s shallow dating pool; to move to an island with a population of three hundred seemed like adding to my fate by tying a bag of rocks to my ankles. For a forty-three year old single woman craving love, partnership and family, that would be self-sabotage! That opportunity seemed less like Keex gettin’ her groove back and more like committing to a life of celibacy and of loneliness.
But I took the bait and sent an e-mail to the Universe's pawn inquiring about details. For a friend, of course!
