Okay, maybe I'm not a total badass when it comes to dealing with emotional funks. Especially the kinda funks that are shoved into my life via big and unexpected changes to my comfort zone. The kinda changes I was either consciously trying to avoid or had never even crept up into my radar. The kind the Universe throws at me like a sucker punch which, I assume, is to keep me on my toes, living in the moment and full of gratitude.
'Cause, I wasn't prepared for the moment my EX-husband announced that married life wasn't for him and he wanted a divorce. Not only was I not prepared for the shock and shame of divorce, I wasn't prepared for the 4+ years of unearthing myself from the sadness, anger, loneliness and resentment that felt heaved upon me. I wasn't prepared for how deep I'd have to dig inside my wounded soul to redefine myself as someone other than a rejected, unwanted, scorned and bitter woman. I wasn't prepared for re-envisioning my life, readjusting my lifestyle, and establishing new dreams and a legacy that didn't include my EX. And I wasn't prepared for the necessary work of recovering the amount of self-worth necessary to validate those new desires. Oh, and I was most definitely not prepared to be suddenly single again in my late thirties. I wasn't prepared for the vacancy in my heart that ached to be filled with the love of soul mates. Or the empty feeling in my body that dreamed of being recharged with electric emotions and fiery intimacy. And I was hardly prepared to explore this 21st century world of on-line dating where marketing myself on the interwebs might lead to a few coffee dates and perhaps even love.
I also wasn't prepared for the moment four years after my divorce when I got called into the producer's office and laid off from one of my all-time favorite performing gigs -- without warning (or severance pay). Nope, I wasn't prepared for them to replace us veteran cast members (all of us vibrant, athletic and seasoned performers over forty) with a "younger and fresher" bunch of performers. And I wasn't prepared for that moment to be the end of my twenty year performing career. I had intended for that gig to be my swan song; choosing to retire on my own terms after creating a comfortable transition into something new. I wasn't prepared for yet another treasured relationship to end. And I wasn't prepared to revisit those crazy, fucked up emotions of betrayal and loss along with the bitterness and self-doubt that haunts me still -- two years later.
Nope, I'm not a total badass when it comes to emotional funks. Getting sucker punched by the Universe -- well, that sucks! But what's changed in me over the years is that I've learned to turn the other cheek and take it like a trooper. I've learned that both ducking and fighting back are absolutely worthless. The Universe will getcha every time! And while it may feel like a bludgeoning to me; to the Universe, it's just a love tap. Yep, it'll sting and ache like a bitch, get all puffy and discolored. It might even get so ugly I don't wanna leave the house. But, age and experience have proven that the pain is survivable and all wounds eventually heal. And in that process I get to constantly learn how to find expansion through new relationships and new opportunities... how to nurture my integrity while adapting to change... how to take better care of my mental, emotional and physical needs... and how to make conscious decisions that honor the type of person I want to become and manifest the kind of life I dream of.
