When you fall off the wagon, you usually fall pretty damn hard and into a downward spiral of self-destructive behavior with no desire for help or change and absolutely no reason for hope. Your mind becomes resolute with the idea of failure; not just in love, but in life in general.
Okay, maybe I'm not a total badass when it comes to dealing with emotional funks. Especially the kinda funks that are shoved into my life via big and unexpected changes to my comfort zone. The kinda changes I was either consciously trying to avoid or had never even crept up into my radar. The kind the Universe throws at me like a sucker punch which, I assume, is to keep me on my toes, living in the moment and full of gratitude.
One thing I definitely value about getting older is my ability to acknowledge and experience negative emotions, feelings and fears without shame, judgment or complete hopelessness. After all, ruts and emotional funks happen. But at forty-four years old I can finally sit in my pain and feel miserable, all the while knowing that it's temporary. Unhappiness and uncertainty don't last forever, unless I let them.
So, now that I'm officially divorced (three years later) and still dealing with the emotional, legal and financial ramifications, I find myself questioning my belief in marriage. Divorce has been a big reality check. It's reminded me that, as much as my marriage was a public declaration of my love and commitment to my EX, it was just as much a business deal.
