The ground was shifting beneath me again. I may be a "spiritual gangster" and shit, but my mind was still filled with uncertainty and my bones ached with the threat of loneliness which I knew would only intensify over the next two years while living on a private resort island in the Caribbean with a population of three hundred. The thought of being single until age forty-six seemed menacing! And the thought of being celibate for that long seemed absolutely tortuous! I still couldn't believe I'd signed myself up for a two year sentence (I mean, experience) that I'd never dreamed of or even fantasized about. Okay, so I did fantasize about having an Eat, Pray, Love experience. But that was six years ago right after my ex-husband dumped me. Who wouldn't wanna emotionally eat their way through Italy, get all woo-woo in India and take on new lovers in Spain after getting kicked to the curb by your husband of six years? But I did all that healing in NYC. So the thrill of being a nomad was gone.
There was also no thrill in reducing my life into three suitcases either. Yeah, it did feel slightly liberating but it was ego crushing at the same time. Why? Because it reminded me that I had nothing. In my mind I knew it was just stuff. But that stuff represented the slow rebuild of my post-divorce life when I left Los Angeles with those same three suitcases. Six years ago. So, while reducing my worldly possessions felt light with possibility, it was also a reminder that I still had no roots: no partner, no family and no home. To me, that felt heavy. In my heart I knew I had grown so much since my divorce, both spiritually and emotionally. So I wondered why I still had absolutely nothing tangible to show for it. Why would the Universe seemingly pull me further away from what I really wanted? Why did this have to be part of my journey when what I really wanted was to feel grounded and loved?
In the midst of this whirlwind of emotion and change, I couldn't help but recognize, appreciate and bask in the love and support of my friends. It was a big deal the way they showed up for me to help me purge the stuff I no longer needed, pack what I did, listen to my fears and exchange awesome memories over laughter, hugs and tears. And it was a big deal when friends organized two really special going away parties for me; complete with games, prizes and unexpected gifts. I didn't even realize how badly I needed to reconnect with everyone before I left. After all, we rarely saw each other anymore anyway. It seemed that the time and emotional demands of balancing passion-driven careers with the responsibilities of growing families; or the pain of divorce, loss and other life changes had sadly altered the dynamics of our friendships. So it's easy to feel forgotten and lonely, especially when you're single.
But this time spent with friends before my departure reminded me that they've never left me, even if they're not always physically present. It's not because they don't want to be. We're just all dealing with our own stuff. So it was fun to disappear with them into memories of dance classes, auditions, performances, music videos, world tours and dressing room antics. We will forever be embedded in each other's lives because of those bonds we formed as far back as our early twenties. I wished I could've packed them into my three suitcases and taken them with me to Turks & Caicos. Because the stuff that really matters are those relationships. Oh, and my relationship with Mr. Weird Science...
But I knew their energy would follow me anyway. And his too!
