The ground was shifting beneath me again. I may be a "spiritual gangster" and shit, but my mind was still filled with uncertainty and my bones ached with the threat of loneliness which I knew would only intensify over the next two years while living on a private resort island in the Caribbean with a population of three hundred.
It was during that ATTACHMENT PHASE that I came to realize just how little I had truly known my EX when we first got married. I know that sounds weird. It's just that, as years passed, the depth of our friendship plus my love and attraction to him expanded in ways I never thought imaginable. I felt as if I had grown to know his true character, his persona and his ego; having equal love and compassion for each. I remember staring at him, soaking him in and feeling so lucky. He made me feel loved, cherished, respected, admired, appreciated, and desirable. And I equally loved who he was as a man, husband and friend. We had created such a strong bond that, life without my EX, seemed inconceivable. He was my family, a part of me... we were attached at the hip.
My quest to "find myself" necessitated a period of sexual sobriety. Well, I wasn't necessarily sexless by conscious choice. It was more of a sub-conscious thing mixed with a little bit of the inevitable. I mean, let's face it: a chic presenting with symptoms of Post Marital Stress Disorder and trust issues is far from a man magnet. You could've dressed me up like a hooker, put me on a street corner and I still wouldn't have gotten laid!
My lack of sex was a complete non-issue to me. I had more serious concerns to worry about, like, finding another way to greet my day without saying “I hate my fucking life!”. Everyday I tried talking myself into believing I was happy when really I was scared, lonely and uncertain about my future. I didn’t even have the energy to search for happiness.
I knew the best remedy for my Post Marital Stress Disorder would be performing. So I was super-excited for my first day of rehearsal at my new gig. It was a full decade later (add infatuation, love, marriage and divorce) that I was walking back into the same exact dressing room that housed so many memories.
