I felt like the living embodiment of every negative feeling you could think of. Humiliated. Disrespected. Resentful. Worthless. Abandoned. Insecure. Frightened. Suspicious. Untrusting. Guarded. Insignificant. Unloved. Misled. Hurt. Add to that an endless cycle of sadness which turned to anger which turned to hatred and dissatisfaction with everyone, everything, every situation and every experience. How disemboweling to finally arrive at a place of forgiveness only to find out that the depth of deceit ran far deeper than a drunken 1-night stand. Yep, he admitted to the 2-3 month affair over the phone after a pregnant pause which implicated him even before his words did. I was officially checking out of my “evolved” space and moving into the safety of impenetrable emotional blocks. Life had primed me to beware of trusting anyone or anything remotely good or too good to be true. I’d be damned to get lured in by the old bait and switch again. So, I shut down.
I didn’t have the strength to believe in the Universe anymore. No self-help book or therapy session could fix my situation, my attitude toward my situation or my hope for the future. Fuck making lemonade out of the lemons life throws at you. Fuck getting tough when the going gets tough. Fuck all that law of attraction bullshit! And go fuck yourself with the power of positive thinking and all that “this too shall pass” crap! When life keeps hurling lemons at your ass, follow your natural instinct and run the other direction bawling your eyes out; knowing you sure as hell don’t have the power to fight back the omnipotence of the Universe or its will for you. And perhaps (if you’re lucky) when it sees that it’s pummeled you to within an inch of your life; then maybe... just maybe, it’ll leave you alone. But I guarantee it’ll walk away gloating and laughing at your defeat.
This wasn’t like me, though. I wasn’t used to feeling so defeated and weak. I didn’t know how to exist in this uncharacteristically negative world where I felt like I was drowning in emotional quicksand. I pleaded to the Universe for mercy, but assumed I was somehow karmically doomed. I needed people, but hated them at the same time. I wanted to be surrounded by the comfort of friends but didn’t want anyone to talk to me. I wanted to live, love, and prosper. But my only real motive was that my success would be like the proverbial flipping of the the bird at my EX. I didn’t recognize myself anymore; this person so full of hate, anger and sadness. I didn’t know how to “snap out of it” except for when performing. Thank GOD for the emotionally driven, highly athletic Off-Broadway show that I got to perform 6 times per week. It’s there that I got to exorcise my demons, find my playful inner child with all her light-heartedness and access my innocence. On really good nights, when I trusted myself to shed my emotional barriers and dare myself complete vulnerability; performing was the only time I felt at one with my true spirit. I felt alive, vibrant and vital. But still, when the show was over and we stood before the audience to bow, my spirit retreated and I felt too exposed. I was afraid people would really see my pain. I had no character to hide behind. It was only me... Keex.
