Okay, Keex, enough of the DRAMA! So what if OkCupid dude disappeared like poof? And so what if his dating profile is still active minus the two photos which he curiously deleted? And who cares if, after test driving me for two months, he possibly picked a different chick but still prowls on the down low in case he wants to upgrade?
In the end, I was disappointed but not devastated. And certainly not disappointed enough to warrant the amount of wine, chocolate and R&B slow jams I (over)indulged in during the entire weekend I spent unexpectedly alone. After all, we were basically just pen pals and phone buddies. Our sudden "break-up" didn't really require any deep emotional healing. I simply had to recover from the embarrassment of getting all excited about a man I'd never met and the fact that my dating life was put on hold just when I thought I was gettin' my groove back. Of course my friends exaggerated the magnitude of the situation and quickly came to my defense with faces all contorted in disgust. Their accusations, assumptions and name calling penetrated one ear and quickly flew out the other. I think they were more devastated and annoyed by dude's disappearing act than I was. I appreciated them having my back but, the more they defended me, the more I realized it just wasn't that deep. In fact, I was pretty unaffected. It's not like there was any real love connection yet. I'd never even seen this dude in person to know what he was really like beyond his souped up profile, his possibly outdated photos, or whatever he dared divulge to a mere stranger he was trying to impress. Most of what I knew about him was based on conjecture, inference and wishful thinking. So what I was really recovering from was a mild case of "potential". And if nothing else, I've learned better than to stake my hopes and dreams on potential. Besides it didn't take much to recognize that, despite our mutual curiosity, our primary attraction was probably the fact that we were two lonely divorcees, happily distracted by a little attention.
What initially appealed to me about OkCupid dude was the fact that he's four years older than I, "tall and athletic", a biochemist in the corporate world and a divorcee. I somehow interpreted that as "grounded, stable and with life experience" despite his recent two-year stint on unemployment, the two kids he sees infrequently because his EX moved them out-of-state and the excruciatingly painful degenerative disc disease in his lower back. That stuff was later revealed in conversation. So, as much as I was happily distracted by a little attention, I couldn't help but wonder if I was getting myself into a potentially long-distance relationship requiring 4.5 hour bus rides for Groupon-subsidized dates, baby-mama drama and geriatric-style sex.
In hindsight I ponder the truth behind the man that seemed so confident, stable and grounded on OkCupid. I wonder how divorce, separation from his kids, unemployment and his aging body has chiseled away at his manhood? I mean, was it shyness I sensed in his voice or an emasculated ego resulting from one life blow after the next? I didn't know how to differentiate the two without the benefit of eye contact and body language. And despite the fact that he claimed to be a "great conversationalist" on his dating profile, I often found myself filling in the uncomfortable pauses when conversation didn't flow as easily and effortlessly as it should if there's a genuine connection. Unclear of his true nature, I found myself giving him the benefit of the doubt when he was eager to listen yet less prone to sharing. I wasn't sure if this kind of "mystique" was titillating or a major red flag warning. After all, I'm an open book with absolutely nothing to hide. Plus, I've always been drawn to strong, (outwardly) confident, expressive, artistic types; full of creative ideas, big dreams, witty personalities and loads of charismatic charm. But look at where that's gotten me. So, I was willing to take a chance on a more staid, intellectual, book-smart personality with a predictable, simple and structured lifestyle. Ha, and look at where that got me! I guess I better reassess my "type" and dating dealbreakers while figuring out how and where to meet some decent (& hot) men in this goddamned city. Being 42 and single ain't easy.
In the meantime, it's R.I.P. for OkCupid. I gave it six months and it failed to do anything to resuscitate my love life. I'm still zero for zero.
