Damn him for presenting the option! I mean, how was I supposed to turn down sex when my Gemini mind was already drunk with conversation and his pheromones were teasing my carnal senses. My mind said, “Keex, have some fucking integrity” but my body said “Fuck it”.
Well something BIG did happen. My first post-divorce heartbreak. Ha, wasn't ready for that one! Well played, Universe, well played. Lessons learned:
- Never overestimate someone's feelings for you.
- Never underestimate the power of timing.
- And NEVER fall for someone who's not ready to fall with you.
Monogamy feels important at this point in our relationship because it would make me feel valued in the way I need. It would allay my fears of being temporary 'booty' while Mr. Weird Science hopes for someone better to come along. Monogamy would create the safety for even deeper levels of physical and emotional intimacy. It would reflect a shift of intention and that I might not be wasting my precious forties on a relationship going nowhere.
So I made up some lame ass excuse for my total and utter awkwardness. I had to. I was too embarrassed to 'fess up for real. I'd already tipped the scales of comfortable vulnerability. And then to add to my humiliation, Mr. Weird Science called me out with a quick text response saying he hoped the "real reason" for my awkwardness wasn't because of our intimate little conversation that took place after whiskey, after sex and in the dark. Damn him for seeing straight through me!
In a city of eight million people, the possibility of running into him seemed unlikely. And daytime took him completely out of context. But as soon as my brain's facial recognition skills kicked in, I realized I was standing face-to-face with Mr. Weird Science project. My ego retreated. I couldn't even pretend to be normal.
So there I laid; conflicted, naked and smothered in his arms. The rain beating against the window perfected the scene of our formulaic romantic drama. (insert voice-over): "Will Keex honor her true needs and desires or succumb to the temporary pleasures and the needy longings of her heart?"
At this point, I seemed to be the only one with the pressing need to either move forward with our relationship or move on. Despite my growing feelings for "Mr. Weird Science project", we were basically just "friends with benefits". Perhaps that's all he ever wanted. Ick! I certainly didn't sign up for that scenario. At least, not intentionally.
Usually, our post-sex silence is almost as intoxicating as the sex. Our bodies remain blurred together and magnetized by some type of cosmic energy that floods my spirit with warm sensations of "yes". That type of hushed connection feels absolutely delicious and completely non-threatening... for awhile.
Whiskey cures paralysis of the tongue, so I've discovered. I finally got the nerve to speak my truth; albeit a slightly inebriated version of the truth. But I made sure sex happened first. I'd be damned to let this "relationship" possibly fizzle without gettin' a little nookie beforehand.
My heart feels all warm and gooey right now. Last time I felt this way was circa 2000. But my body remembers vividly this deliciously tortuous feeling when hours of productivity are squandered away daydreaming, dissecting the meaning of each moment spent together and living in anticipation of the next time. I’m such a girl.
