So here I am, chronically single and forced to rely upon mere fate to find love in my natural habitat. And as bleak as on-line dating felt, the odds of meeting someone on my own seems, dare I say, hopeless. Cue the violins. Cue the single-itis. With OkCupid, at least I felt like I had an agent working for me, even if their representation sucked. While they sent me out regularly on "auditions" it was never for the right stuff. I guess I could've swallowed my pride and taken a few insignificant parts for the sake of feeling like I was still desirable and "in the game". But age and experience wouldn't allow me to settle for small, non-union roles with little or no pay(off). Not even in the meantime. I'm done with bit parts and temporary gigs. I'm dying to sink my heart and soul into the big, juicy leading role of a lifetime. And this has nothing to do with ego or entitlement. The way I see it is, I've paid my dues. I feel humbled, ready and open. My spirit has been honed by the lessons of intense love, intense heartbreak and even the lessons of casual relationships. I've re-gained my personal strength and welcome the emotional investment required for the type of relationship I crave and feel I deserve. My desire for a relationship has finally become greater than my fear of vulnerability, disappointment or failure. I'm finally feeling optimistic about love; albeit cautiously optimistic. Minor problem: I have no idea where to find my leading man in this godforsaken city where single women outnumber single men. It's been suggested that I move to Alaska. Ugh, HELL NO!
As resolute as I am about staying in NYC, I'm equally sure about being done with performers. Like, finito! My intrigue and infatuation with performers (yes, my own kind) is officially over. At least the ones whom I tend to attract: mere dreamers full of romantic vision and pure potential but absolutely no follow through. The ones without the confidence, focus and drive to support their talent. The ones who wait for things to happen rather than taking an active role in creating the careers their talent is worthy of. The narcissists who thrive on attention, pleasure and spontaneity which, in and of themselves, aren't negative traits. But without the balance of structure, purpose or vision that extends beyond their selfish egos, leads to emotional instability and low self-worth. And, in my experience, to be in love with a man with an emasculated ego is to travel down an unrelenting path toward relationship disaster. I mean, how do you sustain a relationship with someone not grounded in confidence, self-esteem, purpose and direction? So I decided to switch things up. I decided "Business Man" was more my type. Suddenly the solution to all my love woes was embodied in some elusive tall, dark and handsome, suit-wearing, nine-to-five type o' man. "Business Man" became my new archetype for intellectual intelligence, confidence, discipline, stability and strength. Basically everything I'd never experienced in a partner. But then I had this epiphany: "Business Man" didn't adequately define what I want. I'm not looking for some office guy with a "good job" in a suit. What I'm actually attracted to are people with visionary thinking supported by a strong sense of purpose, passion and dedication to their vision. People who awaken each morning with a sense of responsibility and focused determination. Intelligent, expansive and innovative minds are major turn-ons for me. Like, major! I need to be with someone invested in creating their own personal legacy. That type of clarity broadened the realm of possibility for me.
Besides being a "legacy maker" with vision and purpose, I want a divorced "legacy maker" with vision and purpose. Yes... DIVORCED. But more specifically, I want someone who values marriage and partnership enough that he doesn't take his divorce lightly. Someone who, like me, uses their experience of marriage and divorce as a catalyst for greater self-understanding and personal growth. Someone who's done some serious soul-searching to determine if they're really cut out for and, more importantly, really ready for another opportunity at partnership. After all, a divorced person is far from naive to the effort it takes to sustain love, intimacy, trust, healthy communication and a daily lifestyle that balances the physical and emotional needs of two people. I like to believe that divorce prepares you to enter new relationships with fewer illusions, greater clarity and more realistic expectations. That it makes you more present and more conscious as a partner, lover and friend. God, I hope I'm right.
Oh, and another thing. I want a "legacy maker" with vision and purpose and kids. Yes... KIDS (preferably little ones). I've always wanted to be a mom. Well, that's not entirely true. But I've always wanted to have kids in my life. To me, they're miraculous little gifts full of sophisticated thoughts, honest emotions, relentless curiosity plus uninhibited creativity and self-expression. It's as if they're the more evolved version of the human species and I want to nurture, honor and preserve all that innocence as much as I want to learn from it. Even though I've got a soft spot in my heart for kids, motherhood has never felt like an imperative biological urge. But I do remember a blissfully happy period in my marriage when creating life together and nurturing it within our little love bubble felt like the next inevitable step in living the "American Dream". Until the bubble burst. I remember tossing around baby names and imagining how beautiful, intelligent and talented our kids would be. I remember studying any magazine with the word "parenting" or "child" in the title. And how looking at baby clothes or children's books made any trip to the mall exhilarating. I'd even converted our guest bedroom into a beautiful nursery, in my mind. In retrospect, I'm happy I never had kids with my EX. For lots of reasons; some of them selfish, some of them not. But it's given me lots of time to deeply consider whether or not becoming a biological mom is an authentic desire of mine or a fabricated one shaped by societal norms. I've even questioned the possibility of regret. I have none. And I've made peace with the fact that I'm a total anomaly. So call me crazy but I still want a family which pretty much requires marrying into a pre-existing one. I'm okay with that as long as they're okay with that. I don't need my family to be "traditional". Family, to me, is however my divorced "legacy maker" with vision and purpose, his kids and I choose to define it.
I'm fully aware that my wants and needs seem lofty and maybe a tad bit unrealistic but I've decided, "Fuck it!". Why not be uber-specific with the Universe? Maybe, just maybe, I'll score something close to my ideal man. All I know is this: I simply can't be with someone for whom life is a grind. Whose job is just a paycheck or a pension. And for whom marriage and family are mere tradition without passion, commitment or effort. I'd rather be chronically single.
