Whether or not I'm going through a bonafide mid-life crisis is uncertain. I mean maybe it's pure coincidence that I'm about to turn forty-four and life just happens to suck at the moment. But the cool thing about being a true Indie Girl and a grown-ass woman, is my ability to acknowledge life's current suckiness and its vortex of negative emotions without losing myself in it. Age and experience have definitely taught me that ruts and emotional funks happen but, to linger in them, is optional. Because as much as sadness, anger, fear, self-doubt and disappointment are all a part of life, they're also the seedlings for growth. It's all about perspective. So I'm about to flip this funk which is a proud new skill of mine.
The younger version of Keex used to detach from emotional pain. I didn't know how to manage its discomfort so I buried it deep inside, masked it with a smile and avoided anything that might potentially trigger it. Divorce, however, was an inescapable type of pain. It burned aggressively at the surface no matter how much I tried to dowse it with red wine. That kind of pain was an acutely demoralizing combination of loneliness, grief, shame, sadness and anger. The emotions were so constant, intense and irrepressible that I had no choice but to sit in my pain and experience my misery whether I wanted to or not. The heat of them felt so consuming that I had no other option than to surrender my pain to the Universe in order to avoid catastrophic implosion. I know that sounds all kinds of dramatic and 'woo-woo', but it's true.
I finally realized that the key to healing is to let my body, mind and spirit feel the pain and express it constructively without censor, shame or judgment. When I pour it out onto the pages of my diary, express my feelings through movement or have a heartfelt convo with a sista-friend, a heavy burden is lifted and valuable life lessons start to emerge. Not to mention my own poor choices, habits and behavioral patterns which got me here in the first place. Plus, I gain the clarity and confidence I need to make better choices that support who I want to become and what I want my life to look and feel like. And sometimes my heart begins to heal even before my circumstances change.
So as I face the pain and uncertainty of this 'mid-life singleitis' I'm also preparing for growth. Something big is clearly about to happen.
