Damn him for presenting the option! I mean, how was I supposed to turn down sex when my Gemini mind was already drunk with conversation and his pheromones were teasing my carnal senses. My mind said, “Keex, have some fucking integrity” but my body said “Fuck it”.
When I accepted the invitation for a third interview in Turks & Caicos, I already knew I was gonna take the job. My heart still wasn’t in it but I knew I’d be a fool to cave into stubbornness and dismiss this once in a lifetime opportunity. But I was still scared of committing to the unknown for two years.
I got an almost immediate response to my resume and scheduled my first Skype interview with Spa management. Even still, the idea of teaching Pilates and Fitness for two years at a private resort island in Turks & Caicos had absolutely no appeal to me. I felt totally resistant to the idea of uprooting my life in NYC no matter how ungrounded it already was.
“I hate my fucking life”. Yep, that old familiar phrase began greeting me every morning with the sound of my alarm clock. Coffee became my daily motivator and source of confidence. And when the caffeine wore off, it was the heightened sense of urgency, fear and desperation that fueled me throughout the rest of my day.
Whether or not I'm going through a bonafide mid-life crisis is uncertain. I mean maybe it's pure coincidence that I'm about to turn forty-four and life just happens to suck at the moment. But the cool thing about being a true Indie Girl and a grown-ass woman, is my ability to acknowledge life's current suckiness and its vortex of negative emotions without losing myself in it.
My 44th birthday seems to be approaching with unrelenting speed. And while I don't think I'm suffering from mid-life crisis, perse, I'm definitely suffering from mid-life hyper-awareness with a side of singleitis. Because nothing in my life right now is the way I thought it would be at this age.
I think I'm having a mid-life SEX crisis! I'm forty-two years old, divorced and haven't had anything other than a self-induced orgasm in four years. I can't believe it myself! Never in a million, gazillion years would I have predicted this! How is this my life? Granted, Post Marital Stress Disorder (PMSD) is partially to blame.
