Well something BIG did happen. My first post-divorce heartbreak. Ha, wasn't ready for that one! Well played, Universe, well played. Lessons learned:
- Never overestimate someone's feelings for you.
- Never underestimate the power of timing.
- And NEVER fall for someone who's not ready to fall with you.
So now I'm back in this icky space of trying to convince myself that I'm loveable. That despite my six years of singlehood and one earnest, yet failed attempt at love, that I've still got "it". Yes, somewhere buried deep down inside I know my worth. And somewhere deep down inside I know I'm loveable (I am, damn it!). But all that positive shit is temporarily shrouded in self-pity, self-doubt and a deep ache in my heart.
I remember this feeling all too well. This weighty, heartbroken feeling that makes everything in my day require extreme effort; from the moment my alarm clock blares until my last sip of nightly red. And when everything in between is tainted with a little bit of anger at myself and at the world. A little bit of sadness, a little bit of loneliness and a little less hope. I know the Universe brought Mr. Weird Science into my life for a reason. Maybe this was only supposed to be a friends with benefits kinda thing. Or maybe I was supposed to feel the intensity of a love affair that ends in heartbreak. Who knows?
But it seems so fucking unfair to tease me with possibility and hope after all I've been through. But maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should've communicated my wants, needs and intentions more effectively. Maybe I should've paid better attention to the unspoken. Instead, I think I kept my eyes half shut in order to see and experience the best parts of us and ended up missing the two possibilities that probably ended us: 1.) He's just not into me. 2.) He's still navigating the emotions of his own divorce and not ready for a "relationship" (no matter how fabulous and loveable I am). Either reason is hard for my ego to accept. But what's even harder to accept is the fact that he's been exploring relationships with other women! After 1 1/2 years, that shit hurts! I don't even care whether they're purely sexual relationships. All I know is that those other relationships diminish whatever I felt we had.
The fact that Mr. Weird Science couldn't narrow his love life down to me after all this time was the red flag that waived our last goodbye. It was the signal that my heart needed space before it got any more attached to the idea of "us". In the meantime, perhaps my greatest lesson is: keep your eyes as wide open as your heart.
