It felt like Mr. Weird Science was holding my hand every step of the way; right up until my one-way flight to Turks & Caicos where I'd become the Pilates/Fitness Instructor on a private resort island. For months, he patiently listened to all the stories I concocted about how moving to a remote Caribbean island with a population of three hundred would be an abysmal experience fraught with boredom and loneliness.
When I accepted the invitation for a third interview in Turks & Caicos, I already knew I was gonna take the job. My heart still wasn’t in it but I knew I’d be a fool to cave into stubbornness and dismiss this once in a lifetime opportunity. But I was still scared of committing to the unknown for two years.
When you fall off the wagon, you usually fall pretty damn hard and into a downward spiral of self-destructive behavior with no desire for help or change and absolutely no reason for hope. Your mind becomes resolute with the idea of failure; not just in love, but in life in general.
Well something BIG did happen. My first post-divorce heartbreak. Ha, wasn't ready for that one! Well played, Universe, well played. Lessons learned:
- Never overestimate someone's feelings for you.
- Never underestimate the power of timing.
- And NEVER fall for someone who's not ready to fall with you.
My 44th birthday seems to be approaching with unrelenting speed. And while I don't think I'm suffering from mid-life crisis, perse, I'm definitely suffering from mid-life hyper-awareness with a side of singleitis. Because nothing in my life right now is the way I thought it would be at this age.
Monogamy feels important at this point in our relationship because it would make me feel valued in the way I need. It would allay my fears of being temporary 'booty' while Mr. Weird Science hopes for someone better to come along. Monogamy would create the safety for even deeper levels of physical and emotional intimacy. It would reflect a shift of intention and that I might not be wasting my precious forties on a relationship going nowhere.
So I made up some lame ass excuse for my total and utter awkwardness. I had to. I was too embarrassed to 'fess up for real. I'd already tipped the scales of comfortable vulnerability. And then to add to my humiliation, Mr. Weird Science called me out with a quick text response saying he hoped the "real reason" for my awkwardness wasn't because of our intimate little conversation that took place after whiskey, after sex and in the dark. Damn him for seeing straight through me!
In a city of eight million people, the possibility of running into him seemed unlikely. And daytime took him completely out of context. But as soon as my brain's facial recognition skills kicked in, I realized I was standing face-to-face with Mr. Weird Science project. My ego retreated. I couldn't even pretend to be normal.
At this point, I seemed to be the only one with the pressing need to either move forward with our relationship or move on. Despite my growing feelings for "Mr. Weird Science project", we were basically just "friends with benefits". Perhaps that's all he ever wanted. Ick! I certainly didn't sign up for that scenario. At least, not intentionally.
My heart feels all warm and gooey right now. Last time I felt this way was circa 2000. But my body remembers vividly this deliciously tortuous feeling when hours of productivity are squandered away daydreaming, dissecting the meaning of each moment spent together and living in anticipation of the next time. I’m such a girl.
