It took a lot of courage to admit to myself that I needed space from Mr. Weird Science. I didn't really wanna walk away from our relationship but my spirit felt restless knowing that, after all this time, he wasn't interested in something serious. I couldn't believe I'd unwittingly let myself get this far into a relationship when our intentions were so different. And it hurt to realize that perhaps my value wasn't valuable enough -- to him. But even though I was walking away from our relationship, it didn't change the way I felt about him. That's what made it even harder. I was walking away from someone that I genuinely cared about. Someone who didn't deliberately hurt me, lie to me or betray me. So I was certainly walking away with disappointment but without any anger toward him to fuel my resolve to maintain distance from him. I was walking away from friendship and intimacy that felt easy, natural and energizing. What we had felt good. Mostly.
But mostly wasn't good enough. I knew that by prolonging this non-committal relationship I was blocking myself from what I really wanted. So for the sake of my spirit, my ego and any chance of falling madly and passionately in love and building a future with someone, I needed space. I also needed clarity. I mean, how did I attract this strictly casual, long-term relationship going nowhere when I wanted so much more?
Unfortunately, space feels lonely. Like a dose of strong medicine with a bunch of negative side effects. The main one being loss. Because my relationship with him has felt unlike any other relationship I've been in before. He's helped me recognize stuff I actually love about myself by simply being a reflection of me and my visionary spirit, ambition, curiosity, and desire to create positive change in the world. I’m so grateful for the way we engage, challenge and support one another because I feel as if my mind expands when I’m with him. And that's the perfect aphrodisiac for this Gemini. Then, our bodies get completely lost in one another. And when we finally allow ourselves to become emotionally vulnerable, we communicate so openly and freely; without defensiveness or ego, but with the intent to listen, understand and respond with compassion. THIS is the type of relationship I've been looking for.
So, yes, walking away feels like a loss. A BIG one. But, at the same time, it's the right thing to do. Age and experience have proven that sadness and loneliness are temporary. If I could get through a divorce after an eight year relationship with "my soul mate" and the "love of my life", I can certainly get over a 1 1/2 year love affair where no vows were ever exchanged; let alone any type of commitment.
