Okay, so I was lonely. I missed my city. I missed my tribe. I missed my creature comforts. But, hey, I'm adaptable. My new intention was to fall in love with my new life in this isolated paradise and embrace every ounce of this unique expat experience; including my new Spa career at five-star resort in the Caribbean.
When you fall off the wagon, you usually fall pretty damn hard and into a downward spiral of self-destructive behavior with no desire for help or change and absolutely no reason for hope. Your mind becomes resolute with the idea of failure; not just in love, but in life in general.
It took a lot of courage to admit to myself that I needed space from Mr. Weird Science. I didn't really wanna walk away from our relationship but my spirit felt restless knowing that after all this time, he wasn't interested in something serious. I couldn't believe I'd unwittingly let myself get this far into a relationship when our intentions were so different. And it hurt to realize that perhaps my value wasn't valuable enough -- to him.
So there I laid; conflicted, naked and smothered in his arms. The rain beating against the window perfected the scene of our formulaic romantic drama. (insert voice-over): "Will Keex honor her true needs and desires or succumb to the temporary pleasures and the needy longings of her heart?"
The great thing about living alone was that I could sit in my own funk and stew in it unapologetically. I had the space to wallow in my misery without ruining someone else’s day. I could drink too much and too early without fear of judgement. I could Facebook stalk my EX without fear of being caught. I could put Keyshia Cole’s “I Remember” on repeat and sing emotively at the top of my lungs without shame or inhibition.
So, there we were; the 3 of us reunited (me, Brooklyn & my EX). But everything was different. It felt as if the four walls of resentment, anger, hurt and sadness were closing in on me. I felt isolated, claustrophobic and completely detached from the man that used to “complete” me. I wished for the power of teleportation but was forced to squeeze through the maze of emotions built by accusations, blame and fault-finding.
