It took a lot of courage to admit to myself that I needed space from Mr. Weird Science. I didn't really wanna walk away from our relationship but my spirit felt restless knowing that after all this time, he wasn't interested in something serious. I couldn't believe I'd unwittingly let myself get this far into a relationship when our intentions were so different. And it hurt to realize that perhaps my value wasn't valuable enough -- to him.
Monogamy feels important at this point in our relationship because it would make me feel valued in the way I need. It would allay my fears of being temporary 'booty' while Mr. Weird Science hopes for someone better to come along. Monogamy would create the safety for even deeper levels of physical and emotional intimacy. It would reflect a shift of intention and that I might not be wasting my precious forties on a relationship going nowhere.
Social ineptitude resulted in lots of alone time where I sometimes nurtured my resentment, fears and love of red wine during severe bouts of single-itis. But there were also those absolutely IndieGirl-icious periods when I experienced many an "AHA!" moment and great epiphany. During both the bleak and bright times I definitely discovered patterns of behavior that I wanted to change, if only I knew how.
