So there I laid; conflicted, naked and smothered in his arms. The rain beating against the window perfected the scene of our formulaic romantic drama. (insert voice-over): "Will Keex honor her true needs and desires or succumb to the temporary pleasures and the needy longings of her heart?"
At this point, I seemed to be the only one with the pressing need to either move forward with our relationship or move on. Despite my growing feelings for "Mr. Weird Science project", we were basically just "friends with benefits". Perhaps that's all he ever wanted. Ick! I certainly didn't sign up for that scenario. At least, not intentionally.
Usually, our post-sex silence is almost as intoxicating as the sex. Our bodies remain blurred together and magnetized by some type of cosmic energy that floods my spirit with warm sensations of "yes". That type of hushed connection feels absolutely delicious and completely non-threatening... for awhile.
Whiskey cures paralysis of the tongue, so I've discovered. I finally got the nerve to speak my truth; albeit a slightly inebriated version of the truth. But I made sure sex happened first. I'd be damned to let this "relationship" possibly fizzle without gettin' a little nookie beforehand.
My heart feels all warm and gooey right now. Last time I felt this way was circa 2000. But my body remembers vividly this deliciously tortuous feeling when hours of productivity are squandered away daydreaming, dissecting the meaning of each moment spent together and living in anticipation of the next time. I’m such a girl.
So here I am, chronically single and forced to rely upon mere fate to find love in my natural habitat. And as bleak as on-line dating felt, the odds of meeting someone on my own seems, dare I say, hopeless. Cue the violins. Cue the single-itis. With OkCupid, at least I felt like I had an agent working for me, even if their representation sucked...
After minimal hours of sleep and a strong cup of coffee by my side, I clocked in at my new full-time job: cultivating a love connection on OkCupid. It required the labor intensive tasks of sorting though and scrutinizing profiles and quiver connections to see if anyone peaked my interest or titillated my ego.
In my experience, on-line dating seems to be populated with guys who aren't really looking for a “love” connection, even if they claim to be. What they’re really looking for is sex. But who can blame them? They’ve got an entire database of equally desperate and horny women ready to raise their skirts at the mere flattery of a virtual wink.
At this point, I didn’t care if I’d be meeting him for the first time dressed in some matchy-matchy Lululemon get-up, with my hair in a ponytail and still sweating from my Redcord class. Oh, I’d be sure to look “effortlessly cute”, mind you, but I wasn’t gonna invest any real time and energy in trying to impress my “imaginary boyfriend” with a fab outfit and a cute hairdo. Nope, I planned on being just cute enough to make him curious...
So, where was this great new love or series of lovers to be found? I swear I was keeping my eyes, heart and mind open to possibility. I even reinvigorated my OkCupid profile and decided to be less picky. Even if a guy didn’t seem my type physically, I gave him bonus points for similar interests plus good grammar and spelling. Then maybe, just maybe, I could overlook the man boobs and receding hairlines.
