"When you meet the right one, you just know." Yep, we gushed those same words with cherished pride just like any other couple in the lust phase on the verge of sealing the deal with a shiny rock. And look at us now.
Evidently, the number one cause for divorce is financial stress. Not infidelity. Go figure. And, yeah, I eventually found out that my EX had cheated on me; but I bet that never woud've happened had financial stress not already done a number on our relationship. Well, maybe. This is what I think really happened; my version.
It was during that ATTACHMENT PHASE that I came to realize just how little I had truly known my EX when we first got married. I know that sounds weird. It's just that, as years passed, the depth of our friendship plus my love and attraction to him expanded in ways I never thought imaginable. I felt as if I had grown to know his true character, his persona and his ego; having equal love and compassion for each. I remember staring at him, soaking him in and feeling so lucky. He made me feel loved, cherished, respected, admired, appreciated, and desirable. And I equally loved who he was as a man, husband and friend. We had created such a strong bond that, life without my EX, seemed inconceivable. He was my family, a part of me... we were attached at the hip.
My quest to "find myself" necessitated a period of sexual sobriety. Well, I wasn't necessarily sexless by conscious choice. It was more of a sub-conscious thing mixed with a little bit of the inevitable. I mean, let's face it: a chic presenting with symptoms of Post Marital Stress Disorder and trust issues is far from a man magnet. You could've dressed me up like a hooker, put me on a street corner and I still wouldn't have gotten laid!
At risk of over-generalizing, I think that's exactly what many single women lack: PERSONAL STRENGTH. Me included, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't be in this self-induced, self-help bubble. Lesson learned because, without personal strength, we tend to pick partners and/or relationships that painfully illustrate just how personally weak we are. And not to make excuses for us single ladies, but we are struggling against this culturally instilled preoccupation with finding "the one" without any emphasis on finding ourselves first.
I had come to terms with the fact that I was damaged goods and carrying far too much emotional baggage to even begin contemplating a healthy new relationship that wouldn't turn into repeat episodes of relationships past. If I really wanted to be happy and if I ever wanted to experience lasting love, I'd have to rebuild myself from the ground up. I needed to fix the cracks in my foundation, gut and re-build my interior while maintaining the basic structure of who I was.
This newfound realization that I was, perhaps, better off without my EX gave me brain space to fantasize about my potentially exciting new life as a single girl. I could start fresh. Create a world where work would be fulfilling, life would be social and love would be an adventurous thrill ride of hot men. In fact, I was gonna be the "Samantha" for the first time in my life! Why the hell not? After eight loyal years to the same dude, I owed it to myself to flex my sexual prowess all over New York City.
So I was making emotional progress. But I wasn't as perfect or well-adjusted as one might think. Let's face it, my EX and I were most definitely soul mates but that didn't necessarily mean we should've jumped the broom. But we did. And we did promise one another the respect of fidelity along with open and honest communication at all times. Nevertheless, he betrayed me with a drunken one-night-stand and kept it a secret.
But I was good at this whole duality thing. Why? Well, #1 I'm a Gemini. And #2, I made an art-form out of living a double life during my emotionally conflicted teens when I was torn between the worlds of a.) pleasing my religious mother and b.) living authentically. My high school experience was a mash-up of school followed by ballet class, weekend rehearsals, and homework. Plus, home Bible study, 5 meetings/week at the Kingdom Hall, and preaching the "good news of the Kingdom" from door-to-door.
Simply sitting with my emotions, feeling them and processing them was unavoidable as a solo dweller; even with five magazine subscriptions, Netflix and a constant supply of red wine. But, according to my therapist, sitting with my emotions was exactly what I needed to do in order to heal. This was a complicated task to wrap my brain around because I was certainly feeling stuff but I didn't feel as if I was any closer to healing.
