In my gut I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in life, love and career. Okay, I may not be exactly where I wanna be. I may not have achieved all I wanna achieve. And my current circumstances may not feel like paradise even though it looks that way (LOL). But overall, I'm a pretty happy chick!
I was about six months deep into my two year contract and island fever crept up on my ass like a stranger in a dark alley. Up until that point, I had settled quite comfortably into my new lifestyle as the Pilates/Fitness instructor on a private resort island in Turks & Caicos. The stress of NYC’s daily grind, my chaotic schedule plus the sensory overload of the concrete jungle were buried in the depths of tranquil Caribbean waters.
I woke up this morning with an incredible urge to dance. I was wondering when that desire would resurface. I think I’ve been suppressing the need for movement expression knowing that, to dance here on this private resort island in Turks & Caicos, is to dance alone. And what I miss, besides movement itself, is
I’m a New Yorker. I thrive on the frenetic pulse created by its 8million inhabitants driven by our individual stories of ambition, hope and success as much as our apathy, desperation and failure. We get things done quickly, purposefully and with an exclamation point. We don’t pause. We don’t take deep breaths. We just keep moving.
For me, meditating is like having bad sex. It fulfills a need but I'm bored, my mind wanders and I can't stop wondering how soon it'll be over. But unlike bad sex, I know that meditation is a good and necessary evil. Why? Well, I've noticed that I've got these preconceived, new-agey ideals about appropriate emotional responses to life's experiences and traumas.
I’ve sadly learned that the Law of Attraction isn’t some metaphysical magic trick that ushers abundance into our lives just because we rip out colorful magazine images representing our wildest dreams and glue them to a vision board. Or because we repeat positive affirmations in the mirror daily. That’s just a labor intensive version of wishful thinking.
It was the 21st day of the Chopra Center 21-day Meditation Challenge and I was still on meditation #15. To cram or not to cram? That was the question. I could've meditated all night to make up for my lack of commitment over the last week. But that seemed counter-intuitive to the whole process and purpose of creating a consistent daily practice.
Reading Ambika Wauters' "Life Changes With the Energy of the Chakras" was like a prolonged look into an unforgiving three-way mirror. I was forced to see all the stuff I didn't love about myself; stuff that weighted me with either embarrassment, shame or frustration. It reflected how I truly feel about myself and its direct effect on how I navigate through life, career and relationships. It also forced me to recognize how it's my own choices and reactions to life changes that have shaped who and where I am today.
I've been craving some type of spiritual grounding, healing ritual and "tribe" to connect with. And as much as I want to fall in love with Soka Gakkai International, a Buddhist sect based on the teachings of Nichiren Daishonin, I find myself in the same relationship dilemma as always. Should I heed the red flag warnings, follow my gut and break things off before I'm seduced by SGI's "potential" to satisfy my spiritual needs? Or should I be more open, less judgmental and give SGI the benefit of the doubt despite its imperfections?
It’s amazing how emotional stuff stays stifled in the strata of our beings. We carry it around allowing its subtle and subconscious influences to affect our relationships and life choices. Imagine if we could unlock the negative, deep-seated emotions that deprive us of our power, joy, balance, creativity, love, and success?
