The fact that my EX (yes, my EX-husband) breezed in and out of the city recently and we enjoyed conversation over lunch seems almost inconsequential. It's only real relevance was the fact that it validated my possession of a fully healed and optimally functioning heart that is open to loving and being loved. Closure complete.
I think I'm having a mid-life SEX crisis! I'm forty-two years old, divorced and haven't had anything other than a self-induced orgasm in four years. I can't believe it myself! Never in a million, gazillion years would I have predicted this! How is this my life? Granted, Post Marital Stress Disorder (PMSD) is partially to blame.
Okay, Keex, enough of the DRAMA! So what if OkCupid dude disappeared like poof? And so what if his dating profile is still active minus the two photos which he curiously deleted? And who cares if, after test driving me for two months, he possibly picked a different chick but still prowls on the down low in case he wants to upgrade? In the end, I was disappointed but not devastated.
I'm a sucker for suspense. Just not when it comes to my love life. Or at least my attempt at one. But just my luck, I've been dangling in suspenseful limbo for almost two months since meeting this dude on OkCupid. I have no idea how our profiles even crossed paths 'cause I was specifically clear with Cupid that he aim his arrows strictly within the five boroughs.
As if my single and celibate self wasn't already consumed with enough thoughts of sex. But since availing myself to the world of dating, copulation feels imminent and fantasy has begun disrupting my general productivity. So has a discreet little vibrating toy I picked up at Babeland.
I don't know if it's age and maturity or shear fear, but I realize that I'm far more cautious in my approach to dating than I was in my twenties. That was the last time I was single. Back then I was so easily lured by looks and raw physical attraction that I was pretty reckless with my heart and my body; not thinking of the emotional consequences of giving too much or giving it up too quickly to someone not worthy of me.
Drunk with insomnia and perhaps better judgment, I took the plunge and dove headfirst into the 21st century trend of on-line dating. For someone who hasn't even been on a date in ten years, this was a completely new and bizarre approach to flirting, dating and perhaps finding a love connection.
So, now that I'm officially divorced (three years later) and still dealing with the emotional, legal and financial ramifications, I find myself questioning my belief in marriage. Divorce has been a big reality check. It's reminded me that, as much as my marriage was a public declaration of my love and commitment to my EX, it was just as much a business deal.
