Damn him for presenting the option! I mean, how was I supposed to turn down sex when my Gemini mind was already drunk with conversation and his pheromones were teasing my carnal senses. My mind said, “Keex, have some fucking integrity” but my body said “Fuck it”.
When I accepted the invitation for a third interview in Turks & Caicos, I already knew I was gonna take the job. My heart still wasn’t in it but I knew I’d be a fool to cave into stubbornness and dismiss this once in a lifetime opportunity. But I was still scared of committing to the unknown for two years.
I got an almost immediate response to my resume and scheduled my first Skype interview with Spa management. Even still, the idea of teaching Pilates and Fitness for two years at a private resort island in Turks & Caicos had absolutely no appeal to me. I felt totally resistant to the idea of uprooting my life in NYC no matter how ungrounded it already was.
The Universe took advantage of my natural curiosity. Of course I’d wanna know all the details about a two-year gig teaching Pilates in Turks & Caicos even though I personally had no interest in the job. Back in the day, I would’ve jumped at an opportunity like this.
It wasn’t until I finally arrived in Turks & Caicos that I realized how much I needed a drastic change. Or how desperate I was to feel grounded, centered and supported again. I guess it’s hard to notice what you really need when you never take the time to be still and allow your emotions to rise to the surface and be felt.
“I hate my fucking life”. Yep, that old familiar phrase began greeting me every morning with the sound of my alarm clock. Coffee became my daily motivator and source of confidence. And when the caffeine wore off, it was the heightened sense of urgency, fear and desperation that fueled me throughout the rest of my day.
When you fall off the wagon, you usually fall pretty damn hard and into a downward spiral of self-destructive behavior with no desire for help or change and absolutely no reason for hope. Your mind becomes resolute with the idea of failure; not just in love, but in life in general.
Okay, maybe I'm not a total badass when it comes to dealing with emotional funks. Especially the kinda funks that are shoved into my life via big and unexpected changes to my comfort zone. The kinda changes I was either consciously trying to avoid or had never even crept up into my radar. The kind the Universe throws at me like a sucker punch which, I assume, is to keep me on my toes, living in the moment and full of gratitude.
One thing I definitely value about getting older is my ability to acknowledge and experience negative emotions, feelings and fears without shame, judgment or complete hopelessness. After all, ruts and emotional funks happen. But at forty-four years old I can finally sit in my pain and feel miserable, all the while knowing that it's temporary. Unhappiness and uncertainty don't last forever, unless I let them.
It took a lot of courage to admit to myself that I needed space from Mr. Weird Science. I didn't really wanna walk away from our relationship but my spirit felt restless knowing that after all this time, he wasn't interested in something serious. I couldn't believe I'd unwittingly let myself get this far into a relationship when our intentions were so different. And it hurt to realize that perhaps my value wasn't valuable enough -- to him.
